From Fairy Tales to Romance Novel – Relationships Post Divorce

I could rail against the word WHY. I could beat it until its bloody ink is splattered against the wall. Why do I….. Arg!

What is it about a tortured soul that beckons me like a moth to the flame? Misery must love company, I guess.

But I am not miserable. I am not happy, I am not in-between, or maybe I am. These days I feel it all so intensely, moment to moment I shift from pure joy to pure devastation. It’s the nature of change, the ugliness and beauty of metamorphosis.  Have you ever actually watched a butterfly emerge from the chrysalis?  It’s a messy process. But the end result is mesmerizingly beautiful, isn’t it.

It’s been 15 months since I separated from my husband. Nearly 10 years of my life spent with one person. I knew it was over, so did he. We each had our process.  I chose to look back on those 10 years in awe, in gratitude. Even as I still carry a lingering anger at the way it ended.  I decided to move forward, to find the future me.

I have dabbled in men since then, dated, done the walk of shame a few times, and had my heart touched by the sweetness of someone. But I knew I could not truly love anyone, because I don’t quite love myself yet.

Even so, I still enjoy the companionship of being with a man; it’s just different then hanging with the girls. But I have set ground rules for love these days. I don’t want to get married (I’ve done that twice and not very successfully), I don’t want any more children (I have two amazing kids) My life is not in a place to co-mingle anything, really.

So, then what would a relationship look like to me? I love to be in love, I love the feeling of exploring someone new.  I love to fall hard and dance naked by the fire under the stars.  But then what? I still yearn for the romance, but I don’t want to do their laundry.

Is that possible? Is it possible to have that experience without expectations? Can I temporarily be in love? I thought maybe I was just looking for sex, but that’s not it. I’m looking for a deep connection, but a different kind of connection. When I look across the table I realize I’m not interested in the story anymore, I don’t look at a man as a provider, I’m not looking for the fairytale nor am I expecting to live happily ever after. I am looking for someone like me. Confused, lost, temporarily found, nope lost it again…unable to commit, but honest and real about who and where they are.

It’s oddly ironic – I’ve moved from fairytales to romance novels. Two tortured souls coming together in a wild night of passion – leaving, quietly, early in the morning, lest we wake up together and look into each others eyes in the daylight.

I am exploring this new type of love. There is respect there, there is a feeling of being connected to someone – even if they don’t know I need to buy milk or go to the post office. Is it possible for me to keep the mundane out and the magic in?

I am examining myself closely, watching to be sure why I am in this new relationship. Is it fulfilling me? Or is it a temporary band-aid so I can avoid myself? Sometimes it’s both, and that’s ok with me. As I have said before in my blogs, I am in a space and time where I am observing me, learning me again.  Trial and error is all I have, it’s not like there is an instruction book on me. I am writing it as I go.

So instead of killing the WHY, I’ll enjoy it. Why is a gift of exploration and experience. Even if it sometimes leaves a mark.

I recently wrote a book called Metanoia- A Transformative Change of Heart – click this link to read an essay from the book called “Agreements” about relationships.

If you’d like to read the whole book you can purchase it for $4.99 here: http://www.betsychasse.net/metanoia/

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